One year ago today...

... two little pink lines showed up on a pregnancy test and my life as I knew it changed forever.



I'm going to cast all fears of judgement aside and really let my guard down here, so just bear with me. This might be a heavy post.

Just as I thought that big changes were about to happen for me (I was graduating college and planning a move to NYC), things seemed to go from bad to worse. The whole month of February 2010 I was moody and tired all the time, and was getting nauseous every time I took a shower- a common side effect of pregnancy; although since I had already had a negative pregnancy test a couple of weeks before, I had ruled that possibility out.  Anyway, along with that, my car decided to take a nosedive and the cost of repairs were about...oh, $4,000 too much. Seeing as I was planning to sell my car for funds for my transcontinental adventure, I was a bit peeved, to say the least. Not to mention that I still had 4 months left of my 45 minute commute to school.

I ended up having to sell my car for pretty much nothing, take the bus to and from work and take the train to and from school , which was not always fun. I was pinching pennies however I could in order to save up to buy a cheap car to use until I moved mid-summer.

I had the feeling that how I was feeling was just not right, and I suspected I might've had a urinary tract infection, so I went to the doctor and got some antibiotics for a UTI, stocked up on cranberry juice, and tried to wait it out.  About a week later, I realized that hmmm...my period is a week late again, and I never did get it at all in January (though like I said, I had taken a test in January and it was negative)...and that's when the panic and confusion really set in. I started Googling pregnancy symptoms and immediately started freaking the heck out.

* Fatigue? Check.
* Mood swings? Check.
* Nausea? Check.
* Headaches? Check.
* Frequent urination? Check.
* Missed period? Um, check.

I walked in the rain to the drugstore to buy a test (actually I bought two), came home, went upstairs, and into the bathroom.  As scared as I was, I just kept thinking it would be negative again. There was no way I was pregnant. Well, I peed on the test, sat on the counter and waited a few minutes, and then slowly, timidly, looked.

Two. Pink. Lines.


You've got to be kidding.


I was shaking, I felt like I was going to throw up. I broke out into a cold sweat. There's no way! I took out the second test, peed on it again, and frantically re-read the instructions while I waited for the results, hoping that I had done something wrong and gotten a false result. No such luck. Those damn lines again.

I ran to my room, and sat on the floor between my bed and the window, staring out at the rain pouring down the street and thinking, "This is it. My life is over" (yes, I'm kind of dramatic). I called Clay, who was at work, and broke the news. He was surprisingly calm...a little too calm. I then accused him of trying to get me pregnant. When he got off of work we went to the drugstore again and bought another test in a different brand, because I'm crazy and I was trying to rule out all possibilities. I even searched online to see if UTI antibiotics can result in a positive pregnancy test. Through it all, Clay was really composed and kept his cool, even when I was losing my mind, and I'm really thankful for that.

I called the doctor the next morning and told them that I had had 3 positive pregnancy tests, but the soonest that they were able to see me was a week from then. I couldn't wait that long! I needed to hear for sure, from a doctor's mouth, that I was indeed pregnant, and most importantly, how far along I was. I couldn't live for a week without answers. So I went to a local clinic to get blood tested and get an ultrasound, and sure enough, I was 10 weeks pregnant. As in, 2 1/2 months. WHAT?! Apparently my first pregnancy test back in January was a false negative. Thanks. They asked if I wanted to see the ultrasound picture. I hesitated. But I said yes, and they printed it out for me. A little grey lima bean in a sea of black.

But the hardest part was yet to come: telling my parents. Having to awkwardly break the news to people was by far the hardest part of this whole parenting thing to date. I grew up in a pretty conservative household. I faced judgement, lectures, pity, and ill advise from so many people. And to be totally and completely real right now, I have to admit that abortion, while something I had always been pretty against, was suddenly an option that was on the table. It was a decision that I had never actually imagined putting myself into the position of making, yet here I was. After telling my parents the news and having a major meltdown, I holed up at Clay's apartment for three days, constantly crying and most of all, praying. I felt really wrong and guilty about asking God whether or not I should keep the baby - because I knew the answer, but at that time I just really needed to talk to someone who mattered most and be stripped of everything but my raw self. No judgments. No lectures. Just answers. Quiet answers.

I remember watching a movie (and I don't even remember which one) and thinking to myself - what if the world ends tomorrow? What will be most important then? What regrets would I have? I realized then and there that nobody's judgement mattered but my Maker's. He gave me life. My mom chose life with me. Who was I to decide whether a helpless being, no matter how tiny, no matter what stage of life, would live or die? It wasn't up to me. I made certain decisions and it was time for me to grow up and take responsibility for my actions. I imagined myself, if I had chosen abortion, standing before God with my head hanging down while he asked "Why?" - because I would have no answer that would justify aborting an innocent life so that I could go on living the way I wanted to. It seemed like the most immature, selfish thing to do. After discussing the option of adoption with Clay, we made the difficult, yet easy decision to keep the baby. In a way it was a weight lifted from my shoulders to know that I was doing the right thing.

The amazing thing is, that once I made the decision to keep the baby, every thing became easier. Not easy, mind you, but so much better than it was and so much better than I imagined it being. Even with all the dirty looks and scandalized reactions, I got a lot of unexpected support. With my plans of moving to New York put on hold indefinitely, I bought a car with the small amount of money I had saved up (figuring it would be most prudent to not be saddled with a loan or car payments and have enough for a deposit on an apartment), graduated college, and prepared for life with Levi with the amazing help and support of those I love most. The whole experience really showed me the good (and sometimes not-so-good) in people, renewed my faith, and proved that I was so much stronger than I thought I was. Levi is hands down the most amazing, incredible blessing that has been bestowed upon my life and I have no regrets. There are times where I wish I had done things differently - of course I wish I had been married before starting a family - but this is the hand I was dealt and it taught me a great deal about cause and affect, maybe the hard way ;)  As for whether or not Clay and I will get married, which I get questions about a lot, I like to just say "I'd like to think so".  Vague? Yes, but I just don't want to feel rushed or pressured into doing anything else before it's time. Obviously Clay and I are already tied to each other forever, but the idea of marriage is a huge deal to me and I want it to feel right. When it's time, we'll know. Until then, Levi has a mom and dad who love him incredibly and who love each other, and what more can a baby want?